Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
