I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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