He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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