So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize