she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
