I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
