I just saw a hot homeless man
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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