So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You ruined the universe
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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