But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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