Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize