you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dick very happy bro
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
