my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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