I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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