Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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