I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
