Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
