Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
