i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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