God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You are the jesus of drinking
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize