I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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