She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
