i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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