Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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