You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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