Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
