We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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