i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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