I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
