Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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