thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I could make wine with my vomit
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
