He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
