My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
