So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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