Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
