yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
