why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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