I just made out with a guy for $7.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
