For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
