yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
