Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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