mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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