I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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