Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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