I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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