I will die if light touches me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
