Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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