so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
