I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
