Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
