I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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