I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
