I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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