i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
