i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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