Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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