At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
